When It Rains, It Pours

Today is Saturday, September 20th and it's Mommy and Daddy's Anniversary. I got up at 5:18 in the morning so now I'm napping and giving them a little time to do their thing. Some parents think their kids are really advanced but compared to me they're not because I can type while napping. Beat that.

Want to know what's going on in my life? I'll tell you. Things are in a bit of disarray at our house right now and I don't like it one bit. I'm none too thrilled with my current living conditions and accomodations, but I know my Daddy and all the workmen are working as fast as possible to get things back to normal for me and Mommy.

Last Friday we went to the suburbs of Chicago with some of our favorite family friends and their kids for a very special weekend. It took all of the families 7 hours to get there. Chicago traffic is stupid. At least we got to stop at Cracker Barrel for lunch. That is one of Mommy's favorite restaurants. She likes it because there is candy and shopping. Daddy says she's "all class." It was my first time there. On our way out, I walked up to a table and hit on a 65-year-old man. He loved me. Before we left, Mommy made Daddy take pictures of us outside the restaurant because she loves it there so much. She is nuts.

When we got to Chicago the traffic was really bad; all the adults were texting each other and everyone was really bummed out. Mommy had to pee so badly that she contemplated using one of my diapers. Daddy said it wouldn't hold all of her pee so she decided to pee in a cup but when a bus pulled up next to us, Daddy told her that they could see in our car so she got stage fright. Mommy decided she needed was better song to "pee to" so Daddy put in a Stones CD and changed the words from "Start Me Up" to "Pee in a Cup." Daddy thought it was funny. I did too. Mommy didn't. She said Daddy was a dummy. I will probably call your kid that one day. Don't get mad at me. It's not my fault. It's my parents and my environment. I'm a sponge.

Our reason for going to Chicago was for a Bat Mitzvah. What's a Bat Mitzvah? I have no idea but there was free food, dancing and everyone thought I was super cute. I even got to go to services. Mommy said I probably wouldn't like services (I guess she doesn't) but I was totally into it. I was dancing in the aisles by myself and no one cared. They loved me. Jews are nice. Mommy and her friend Elise took me and Jessie out of services few times. Mommy thought I was getting something called "schpilkas." I am not positive, but I think that means "ants in your pants" in some language called Yiddish. (Don't get in my diaper if I'm wrong. I am still trying to learn English. When I got here, no one said anything about me having to learn Yiddish too). When the Torah came around, my Papa and Grammy took me to kiss it. I did. I rock at being a Jew.

I had to sleep in a Pack 'n Play at the hotel. Lame. We had a suite but I made a HUGE ruckus when Daddy tried to put me in the Pack 'n Play and leave me in the room by myself. I wasn't into that at all. I did the "I'm really scared" cry and he caved really fast. Mommy was in the lobby with her friends but I know she would have caved too. First of all, we were in a hotel. Second of all, she doesn't like when I cry like that either. It is the one cry I have that makes her sad...and that makes her stressed...and that makes her eat. They resolved to let me sleep in their room for the 2 nights we were there. I got to fall asleep with them in their bed and after they were sure I was really asleep, Daddy would--very gingerly-- lift me up and put me in the Pack 'n Play. One night I moved and made some noise during the transport just to mess with them, but I stayed asleep.

We left for home on Sunday morning and all I knew was that we were going to meet up with the Otis family at Cracker Barrel. Mommy was excited. We had no idea that the trip home was going to take 7 hours again, but this time it was because of rain. HEAVY RAIN. It was rain that didn't stop all weekend in Chicago and apparently, it was doing the same in Michigan. It took us forever to get home. It sucked real bad, but I was a trooper. My parents told me so.

When we got home, beat up and broken down, Mommy went to get Floyd Coden and Daddy found that our house had flooded. The new side of the house. The side of the house with my bedroom, my playroom and my bathroom. My room got it the worst. Daddy was stuck extracting water for most of the night. It was not fun for him. Mommy says that we should be thankful that he is handy and not one of those "nebbishy" Jewish guys who can't do anything around the house, but once again I have no idea what she's talking about because I don't know what "nebbishy" means. One language at a time, lady.

It seems that the private school not far from us has a major problem with their drainage and since the water had no place to go, it decided to come and ruin our house. Mommy has been devastated all week. Daddy has been back and forth from work to home to meet the insurance guys, the work guys, and the guys from the City of Beverly Hills. Mommy says it would be like a porno movie with all these workmen, but so far everyone has kept their clothes on.

Since I'm not allowed to sleep in my room, and all of my furniture has been moved out, I've been sleeping in Mommy and Daddy's room--back in a Pack 'n Play next to Floyd Coden's bed. I think Mommy and Daddy might be bummin' out a little bit that I'm sleeping in there. Yes, I think I have more teeth coming in so I have been waking up 20 times a night coughing or crying in my sleep, but I usually fall right back asleep in 2 seconds. Is it my fault that they can't get back to sleep? Yes, I have been getting up at 5:30 in the morning (I'm not really sure why) but it's probably because the Pack 'n Play mattress blows and someone forgot my Sealy Posturpedic. Yes, I'm sorry that Mommy and Daddy aren't able to read, watch TV or have sexytime with me around but HELLO? Do you think it's a picnic for me being displaced? I didn't come all the way here from China to be stuck in a freakin' Pack 'n Play for over a week!

Oh, well. It's just temporary, right? Thankfully, there's lots of people working to get my life back together though I do feel bad for Daddy--he hasn't been able to relax for one minute since he got home from camp.

I'm going back to my nap. I need my sleep because tonight Grampa is coming to hang out with me while Mommy and Daddy go stuff their faces with Angela and Andy for their Anniversary. When they get home, I have a little present for them. I'm going to wake up at 4:00 in the morning with a horrible, relentless cough and I'm going to do this while I'm still sleeping as they (Clueless 1 and 2) discuss what to do to with me.

"She's sleeping...what do we do?" "She needs water." "Don't wake her." "Should we wake her?" "She's up anyway, she's freaking coughing like crazy." "She's sleeping though." "If we wake her, she won't go back to sleep." "She's coughing anyway--who's sleeping?"

Finally, after 40 minutes no one wants to relive, I will promptly stand up in the Pack 'n Play at 4:40 in the morning and I will cry. They will wallow in their defeat for a minute and then they will get me out and start scrambling. When I don't take the water Mommy is pushing my way, she will give me watermelon and she will reason that it "has water in it." Daddy, at this time, will confer with the Your Child's Health book that Dr. Molly gave us so they don't have to wake her ass up. They will go to page 589, read it, and Daddy will run a hot shower for 10 minutes and take me in there hoping that the warm moisture will relax my vocal cords. It doesn't really work. They're in for a long night, a lot of worrying, and some good looking dark circles tomorrow.

Happy Anniversary...Dummies.